My increased heart rate as the plane ascends, red eye and sunrise flights, strong turbulence, 13 non-consecutive days, 9,300 miles traveled, sleepless nights, the refusal to unpack knowing there’s another trip in a few days, daily dose of vitamins, work from the airport and in another state, and finally — the reunion with dear friends I haven’t seen in ages.
Jamie Vergara catching another flight is not really breaking news. But what I’ve impressed myself with is my recover to go time, and the fact *knock on wood* I did not get sick from the travel rush and weather changes.
I’ve realized that I started using social media as a way to only post the good moments and consistently gave false perceptions of my well being or how things were actually going for me. Let the record reflect that these trips were not for work or leisure. These trips were a part of my journey towards healing and finding the people, places, and things that might be able to help me piece my heart back together. Sitting still wasn’t an option for me because I wanted to do what I do best — chase clouds, and more importantly, reconnect. What was special about Raleigh, Boston, Las Vegas and New York? It was the people. The friends I visited were long time friends I grew up with #wombtotomb and friends from catholic orgs I used to be involved in — and although we don’t talk everyday or see each other often, these trips taught me though the distance and years may keep us apart, we stay connected through the phone and heart to hearts.
Some people ask if I get exhausted traveling like this and how I have the energy to keep moving. During my college days, it was a lot easier since I only had a part time job and my class schedule was always super convenient. Fast forward to today and I can’t emphasize enough how lucky I feel to have a job that allows me to technically work from wherever. Behind the scenes, people rarely see me passed out in my room after each trip, consuming energy drinks/liquid courage before take off, or me drooling on my night flights trying to get some REM. I digress and will say I have rediscovered the big motivators that sit within the organ that pumps my blood, and there’s two. First, it’s knowing that saying goodbye to the people and places is going to be difficult. I look back at my 2019 volunteer trip to the school in Mexico, and I cried saying goodbye to the students and my friends. I visited my family in the Philippines twice a year pre-covid and cried every time. It’s the anticipation of waiting and when you finally make it to the end, it’s a feeling like no other. It’s heartwarming and sad all at once. Second, when you’re traveling to see old friends or family, you can’t help but reflect on how someone played a prominent part in your life. My Grandma pleaded with me one year that if coming to the Philippines is stressful, I shouldn’t pressure myself to go– and I explained that it is going to take a lot more than bronchitis and lost luggage to change my mind.
I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity I had to reconnect with old friends and their hospitality for showing me around their home cities. I try to have a constant queue of where to next and still have a few more friends I want to see from my Mexico and Malaysia days, and some of my childhood friends. I’ve definitely memorized the stewardess’ safety manual, can balance in an airport tram, and have conquered public transportation. But during the moments of silence, waiting for the plane to take off and land, and even in the busiest parts around these cities, I know and acknowledge the wounds within don’t just disappear. Traveling and throwing myself onto a plane proved to me it takes more than leaving home to rediscover yourself and to heal. The heartache and worries can be lifted temporarily by filling emptiness up with booked calendars, long work days, and chores. But during these travel hours my eyes and heart have opened up to the biggest takeaway. No matter where you go in life, no matter the distance and the time it takes to make it to the end, your loved ones will always be beside you and at the finish line. Authentic friendships don’t stop after reunions, silence, conflicts, or relocation. There are friends, there’s family, then there’s the friends who become family. I’m not trying to sound like Dominic Toretto, but places can only be so special if the people in them mean something to us. That’s why as fun as it’s been, Florida (for now) is where I belong. Just took some extra air turbulence and bad airport food to knock some sense into me, that the real R&R and a majority of my family is back in the sunshine state. I am a numbers person and all about quantitative data as a means to measure things. Our hearts aren’t designed like Tony Stark’s Arc Reactor (which is a good thing), so we can’t just measure the state of our internal wellbeing in numbers. However, I can confidently say that these last few weeks of adventure, were worth it. Were worth my heart feeling a little better than the day before and worth the friendships mending a piece of my heart back together.
Thank you Krissy, Leslie, The Gutierrez’s, and Regine. Miss y’all already.
Jamie Vergara 