Shame, inadequate, useless, crushed, undeserving, isolated, rejected. These words are what my heart told me I am and I will never get out of it.
It’s been a journey trying to navigate my mid 20s in this chaotic world we live in and learning the ropes of growing up. I’ve been doing my best to get back up on my feet no matter what’s thrown at me.
Having to buy a new car amidst this economy and supply, canceling my trip to the Philippines and missing the opportunity to see my Grandfather, living in West Palm for a month — I felt like my world was continuing to fall apart and that the days would never get better. But something changed when I got to West Palm. And it wasn’t just the weather, the hang out spots, being with my parents, or my weight like it’s my freshman year of college. It was me learning to try to love myself again and rediscovering joy and happiness in little moments. It was reliving and revisiting the special places of where I grew up and reconnecting with long time friends from the dawn before time. Jacksonville is officially my home based on paperwork and my drivers license, but my heart belongs to West Palm and the memories that came out of it.
When my car broke, my mom had suggested I come down to house and dog sit while her and my dad were on vacation: I’d have a car and we’d go car shopping when they got back. I was extremely hesitant. A majority of my friends are in Jax, my job is in Jax, I told myself my life is in Jax. It was also a pride killer that I had to come home because I don’t have a car and I still need my parents to teach me how to buy one. The ride to West Palm was long and painful and I remember telling myself that this trip was going to be dreadful and there’s no purpose for me down here. I was in a bad place and didn’t even know if I wanted to be in Florida anymore, the Philippines seemed more appealing — I thought of letting go of my job and everything here.
While battling different things, I even got a last minute visit from this duo. They flew down to help me figure out my life and try to revive the light in me. They took the quickest trip just to come see me and get me back up on my feet. I’m immensely grateful for them.
But hey, if I’m here for a month I guess I have to make to make the most of it. I reached out to a dear friend of mine from middle school, Izabel, and I just can’t believe after all this time, all that has changed is our heights. After not seeing each other for seven years, We caught up for a long time — and we instantly picked up where we left off. The last time I had seen her was when I was 17 because our paths had collided at a friend’s birthday party. Izabel and I had grown apart after my freshman year of high school. there was no bad blood, but life happened and as we got older it got harder to make plans. Throughout the years we kept in touch and it was always birthday and holiday greetings or the occasional hey hope you’re well texts. I seldom visited West Palm due to my busy schedule and my siblings and I not living in West Palm anymore either had my parents visiting us instead. Anytime I did drive down, it was quick trips and the opportunity for Izabel and I to meet was always challenging and never pulled through. Needless to say, I think we were both excited that for once, there was enough time to hang out and show me around the new West Palm. Izabel has always been one of the most supportive individuals in my life. Even after 7 years, she told me I’m still the same one of a kind person that was BFFs with her back then. There’s the saying that “you’re your own worst critic,” and Izabel reminded me to not be so hard on myself and to give myself more credit and love. While I could keep writing and add fluff, I want to emphasize that power of authentic friendships has the ability to impact you in many ways. Here are the then and now pictures of Izabel and I. Ten years later, she’s pretty and I’m just old.
While reconnecting with Izabel, I also had the opportunity to get together with my old friends from Youth for Christ, an organization I was involved in for y e a r s. Youth for Christ is a global org, so I met a lot of people in different states. But the original crew of mine, was my West Palm crew. We haven’t been together in the same room for decades. I can’t even remember the last time we all hung out like that. We all went through college, some of us still finishing school, one of us has finished a military assignment, some of us moved and came back, myself still not moved back, and even after all the events and gaps that happened – we came back around. I still remember our beach days, movie nights, late night camp prep, skate sessions, boba runs, and cotillion practices, etc.. the list goes on! Growing up from elementary school to clubbing, is a whole other adventure. That even our older siblings just can’t believe as well how fast time moves.
Life is for sure a circle because the next group I was able to cross paths with are my friends from high school. A side story that got the ball rolling with this, is that I ran into 3 of my high school friends this past November in Raleigh, NC. By pure chance. I never check find friends anymore which can show the location of your friends on an iPhone, but when I opened the app and saw Juliana, Blair and Dino were .5 miles away from my friend’s apartment, I had enough balls to send a text and meet them up. We got drinks together and caught up for 1-2 hours. Then when I came home, I hit up Juliana and Hannah, who were my ride or dies during my Suncoast days. We all had classes together, and Juliana and I were on the Debate team for 3 years. In all honestly, I never thought I would reconnect with anyone from high school, but seeing them and reconnecting with them made me realize that they are wonderful people and really helped me during my pivotal times then and now.
While my struggles and battles still remain the same, and sometimes there’s bad days that seem to overpower the good, I’m learning to lean on my loved ones. I’m learning how to be more engaged with my friends and family. I’m learning that it’s okay to let people in and bring down the walls. I’m learning to not be so hard on myself. And lastly.. I’m still learning on how to do this series we know as, life.
Jamie Vergara 