Goodbyes have always been a weakness of mine. Whether I’ve known a friend for a day, week, months, or years, it always stings to have to say bye to someone or something that has meant a lot to me.
In a few months, I’ll be waving off a dear friend of mine, Esteban Merkt — who will be pursing his masters in Scotland. I can’t hide my sadness but I also can’t deny my excitement that he’ll get to do what he loves.
I met Esteban summer 2020 when he was in Seminary school to become a Catholic priest. One of his assignments was my home church. He was here the summer before my senior year of college kicked off which plays a prominent part in so much about me today. Every exam I had to take, every interview, whenever I felt scared, whenever I was sad, the man had my back. At the time, summer 2020 felt like the most pivotal period of my life for me, and I wrote something back then I said I wouldn’t publish until his ordination. A lot has changed for the both of us since I wrote this piece. I feel like a different person in so many ways — good and bad. I know he probably feels the same way too.
Esteban will be pursuing another endeavor and regardless of the decision he made, I am proud of him and to call him my friend. Lang may yer lum reek, Esteban.
The Last Summer: 7/31/2020
For as long as I can remember, every summer I have had has been so unique. And in every way, I know it was all a part of God’s plan for me. Through all the flights, car rides, continents, laughs, tears and memories, I can’t believe this was my last undergraduate summer vacation. One of my really good friends from back home said to me one time, “Jamie, I actually can’t remember a summer you ever spent at home. You’re always out and about.” And I’ve known this person since I was 12. Nine years later, I am still doing the same thing and I still feel the same.
For those that know me, my faith has always been an important part of my life. The force that sustains my life and heart. And this summer, as inconsistent as I’ve been with prayer (in all honesty), God still made His messages known and clear for me. Any summer I look back on, while there was fun, there was still so much struggle. Especially summer 2019: From New York to China, the Philippines and California only to return to long workdays and many party nights back at home. I think the biggest struggle I had was emotional chastity and it ended with me being heart broken. I met a guy during summer 2019 that I thought defined love. I constantly defended him despite the disrespect he gave me and justified his personality with all his accomplishments. I was his emotional support and punching bag that at the end of the day there was no room for me to even feel what I felt. I knew God was telling me this is not who I was called to be with; but here I was chasing something that was not in the plan.
Fast forward to this Summer 2020—the most unique of all. With all the chaos going on in the world right now: wrongful deaths, police brutality, COVID-19, I’ll be honest again, I was not sure what God wanted out of me or what was speaking out to me. I carried on my days from online school, quarantine days in Tampa, and returning to work after 2 months. I have been attending Mass at St. John the Baptist in Atlantic Beach. While I do happen to be well acquainted with the pastor over there, Fr. Rafael, my job giving me any weekend off is SELDOM and St. John actually offers the best Mass time for me: Sunday’s at 7 A.M. I attend mass before I have to clock in for work. The Diocese of St. Augustine sent seminarians for their summer assignment, and Fr. Rafael had a seminarian placed at his Parish. His name is Esteban Merkt. While I brushed off the presence of the seminarian being placed at the Parish I am always at, God pushed me towards building a bond with the seminarian, and let’s be real, I would have had to meet him either way with the amount of times I see Fr. Rafael.
Out of the 2 months of being in Jacksonville, Esteban and I spent maybe a collective 2 weeks with one another, but 2 weeks felt like years and I’ve learned so much from this brief encounter. From group beach days, dinners, Top-Golf, quick drinks, shopping days (LOL) and different heart to hearts, there was something different. Maybe it’s the fact although he is studying to be a priest, he is a normal human being as everyone is, that he is only 3 days older than me, or the fact this was a male-female bond where it was strictly just friends. Two people leading each other closer to God. Siblings, encouraging one another to finish off their dreams and goals, while reminding one another to pray for God’s will and not mine.
There were moments where I saw the priest and fatherly figure within him that suddenly the goofy clown kid didn’t exist anymore and it genuinely impressed me and shook my heart. For starters, a bartender cut her hand with a glass and bled profusely and while she told Esteban she was okay, he made another bartender check on her and said, “Hey, she cut her hand. Please check on her.” Let’s be real, most of us would have just been bystanders, but here he was taking initiative. Inviting myself and other friends over for a bite to eat or for a laugh, we all felt cared for and enjoyed the great company. I helped him clean up the house and pack up, and after I studied there because my apartment has too many distractions. Periodically during my study session, he would be checking on me and asking if I am okay or if I needed anything. He could hear and see the nervous ticks in me while prepping for my finals. That same day, I told myself, “Shoot I forgot to bring food now I’m going to starve,” and he calls and says, “I am heading back to the house, what do you want from Dunkin?”
While it might not have looked the best, which I am fully aware of, a young college student hanging with a man in school for the Priesthood, I say full heartedly it was the feminine genius and the motherly instinct in me that felt called to care for Esteban. He became a great friend and I consider him strive tribe and another brother. He has helped me defend the faith in ways I couldn’t have 2 months ago, or any other summer for that matter. (Shout out Bl. Chiara Badano!)
Here goes the hard reality – while we want men like Esteban to be our significant others, I can fully say there’s no “Father what a waste” because we need these men to be leading in the Church. We need these men to help us pursue holiness and care for the communities. This is what love is and what it should look like. While I spent last summer and most of the school year wondering if my standards were too high and if my summer 2019 flame was what a man should be, this summer showed me how a respectful and loving man should treat his friends and family. Esteban doesn’t even know or understand how his summer assignment essentially helped me grow closer to God. Although this was his 3rd summer assignment, pray for the man who has 5 years left of school. The Navy is waiting for him. He wants to be the chaplain for the Navy Base here in Jacksonville, and I pray every day it be God’s will to get him where he needs to be. The man who told me, “Jamie, you’re young and you have time. Whether it’s the house you’re going to buy in Atlantic Beach or working full time for Hollister, just keep praying.”
Thank you God for everything and all of it together, may You keep our hearts on fire, always and forever.
AMDG
Jamie Vergara 