Jamie Vergara

Dominic Toretto once said, “I live my life one quarter mile at a time.”

Every birthday my mom will ask me what did the year bring me. Twenty four— There were so many tears, miles traveled, reevaluation of priorities, and career and personal development. I endured one of the most challenging years. The pressure to have a certain career, relationship status, or level of success — who am I, what do I love, and who do I want to be? I think the saying that “We go to college to find ourselves” can’t be 100% true. What I realized at 24, is that 1) I missed college and the lack of responsibilities 2) I felt just as lost as ever and didn’t know who I was. I never understood or accepted why God let me feel so depressed and isolated for the majority of my 24th. The selfishness in me thought it didn’t seem fair that I was someone who dedicated years of my life into ministry to be going through it.

The phenomenon Negativity Bias says our brains give more importance to negative experiences than to positive or neutral experiences. Our subconscious holds on to the negative experiences thinking the wisdom to be learned from negative events are more valuable to our character development than the wisdom that might be learned from positive experiences. I spent months telling myself I deserved the sadness I felt and it was my fault I hit a wall. After many pep talks, hammers banged on my head, being on the go, and me purposely throwing myself into the deep end to test myself, what finally flipped the switch and helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel was my summer trip to Portugal. What positive things did 24 show me? Bear with me as we go down memory lane.

1. My vocation – I had my quarterly review with my boss last month. He gave me the chance to talk about my personal goals and what could the team do to get me there. Prior to this call, I had already been creating a study plan for a certain standardized test. We talked about my dream to return to higher education and that I’ve done my homework — researched programs, looked at requirements, explored the company’s education assistance program. And there we were on a Wednesday, game planning my next play. And how excited the two of us sounded on Teams. Florida was never my end game and finally putting this plan in motion got me back on my feet. I was reminded to not compromise or put my goals on hold for anything or anyone who will not help me get to where I want to be. College me used to say, “Keep your heart rate as high as your goals.”
2. Authentic friendships – 24 reminded me to look at the relationships that will transcend many lifetimes and the new ones that will do the same. My eyes and heart accepted the fact that not everyone we meet in our life can make it to every chapter of it. Portugal gave me the gift of building friendships especially with Matthew and Nicole. Little do they know they’re on my mind everyday. However, pre-Portugal, shame came and and went a lot this year and I told my mom my ministry days were long gone. My mom had encouraged me, “J you are the one these kids looked up to and you are still you.” I was in Tampa back in April visiting my sister. While going to church at USF’s chapel, I ran into Miggy Sumagang and the Budlong’s – families who played a prominent role in my time as the Youth for Christ Area Head. Their excitement and this surprise encounter had me close to tears. Miggy and Josh said, “We’ve missed you and thought you were dead. Is this a Jamie Verg cameo?” No matter how long you go without seeing one another, true friends will never be apart, maybe in distance but never in heart. — and I’ll never forget the way CFCY looked after me.
3. Always go the extra mile – My heart is always conflicted with “being too nice.” I had friends tell me to stop being nice because “Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.” There are days, moments and memories I question myself if anything I do matters. While I could provide a timeline, there was one encounter I can’t stop thinking about. I was in Itaewon Pocha, a gastro pub in NYC’s Korea Town. I was with my friends and when we walked in, I was excited and elated to eat some corn cheese and be in this hole in the wall shop. We were sitting and just catching our breath drinking cocktails, and the bartender comes with a shot for each of us. We told her we didn’t order this and asked what is this for. The bartender looked at the group and said, “This one’s on me.” She points at me and then says, “Because I loved the way she smiled at me when you guys came in.” Mom and dad, your investment in braces paid off we scored three free rounds LOL. That’s besides the point– what this moment showed me is the littlest things we do matter and people will not forget the positive impact you had on them. I was then reminded in this small bar, every moment counts — don’t waste it.
4. Perseverance – Training for the Army 10-miler, test prep, the long walks in Portugal, moments I got the directions wrong in NYC, depression, losing my heart’s desire; 24 showed me I was capable of trying again. Trying new things, opening back up my heart, traveling to new places — that change is inevitable and sooner or later we accept this but even more, we rebuild our lives around the changes. A few weeks ago, I pushed myself to go to my second Catholic Young Adult night. These networking events are daunting and usually fall on a week day, so by the time I wrap up work I lose interest in going out. I told myself it’s now or never and I can’t keep showing up to the NYC, Atlanta or Nashville events without giving my own hometown a try. While it’s great I volunteer at the church down the street and have a rapport with my pastor, I knew I should meet the younger community. I was reconnecting with UNF people and meeting new ones. Even ran into one of my coworkers. My friend Nicole was there and introduced me to Diana. And my mind went back to 2017– I knew exactly who Diana was. I shook Diana’s hand and said, “You’re Julie’s friend. I know a lot about you.” Julie Butler was one of my best friends during college. Diana responded back, “Jamie– I knew exactly who you were but didn’t know if you would know me. Julie talked about you so much.” Julie and I might not talk everyday nor have we seen each other in maybe 2 years, but she was and still is one of the reasons I get up and try. Those prayers are working J-butt, and all the support my friends and family have given me.

I was on the way to New York late August. Running on no sleep, strong airplane turbulence, crazy Uber driving, it was an exhausting morning. Something in my heart felt different. No matter how often I go to New York, my heart always has this feeling of joy and excitement. But science and myself can’t even describe what my heart was feeling during that plane ride — something changed.

After working from home at my friend’s place and a good nap, I went over to the NYU Catholic Center to pray and go to confession. I sat in the front looking at Jesus on the cross and caught my breath. This chapel is on the corner of Thompson Street right in front of Washington Square Park., and despite the outside noise and busy streets it felt as if time just stopped. What my heart was experiencing was something I hadn’t felt in a while. There was silence and stillness. I felt peace. I stepped back to look at the bigger picture and this was always a part of Plan G(od). All the hurt and darkness I faced, the amount of times it took my friends, family and even COWORKERS to help me stand up, the loss my heart endured, I understand that “We must learn to let go and give up the things we wanted to make room for the things our hearts needed.” I texted Nicole while I was praying at NYU that she encapsulates a part of what my heart longed for. That I knew meeting her and reconnecting with Matthew in Lisbon was a reminder there are guardian angels on earth. October’s been brutally busy, as it usually is, but here are the fun moments from Orlando and NYC.

I could not have done the damn thing without all my dear friends. Safe to say — my family, the D&B data crew, CFCY, Scoop Troop, Pamilyang Baliw, Whitney, Theresa Eland, Emma Carlson, the womb to tomb fam, my (Lisbon) Boys, FOCUS pals (Amaysia/Colon), Madison, everyone who has looked after me — I like me better when I’m with you. One last 3 minute recap below of this recent NY excursion and a bonus clip.