Traveling for work, my first race, family birthday trip, NYC #15, and finally the last leg of this endless month — a trip to Atlanta. I’m so ready to knock out but November is actually just as busy. But I couldn’t be any happier spending the last weekend of my birthday month in Hotlanta. I was visiting my friends and also participated in a 10K Race. With no race training and a super chill agenda, I was happy to get in some family time, Korean BBQ, the donuts we got post race, and some heart filling moments.
Running is something super recent that I picked up, and I actually have my company to thank for that. Someone take a guess which race I signed up for next … But it is also one of the primary reasons I went to Atlanta. My friend Matt texted me the Fast Pace Race 10K information literally 3 weeks ago. It was only $29 and that included a decent race course and a shirt. I mean you can’t beat that. Most registrations are $50+ and logistics and planning are a nightmare. This one had less than 500 racers and was not as overwhelming as the Army 10 Miler which had 35,000 people. I told Matt at the start line, this race gave such Dunder Mifflin vibes with the way we were warming up and the calm atmosphere we were in.
Before any major event, my stomach gets that nervous feeling. It’s like I’m waiting for that part on a roller coaster right before it descends. This always happens — when I’m a speaker at an event, before I lead a work call, when I’m at a networking event, sitting in front of an exam in college, when I meet someone cute, and of course it still happened right before I took off for the race. The emcee grabbed the mic and counted us down. Matt and I took off and I was curious if I’d survive this one because the hills were bad, it wasn’t as crowded and I missed the camaraderie, and I didn’t have my coworker with me this time running beside me. I had my playlist prepped hung on to that.
Included in my playlist, I listened to another motivational speech produced by Eddie Pinero where he talked about new beginnings. As I finish this month, and even the year, the words he spoke resonated deep in me. Sunsets grant us a special permission. They are a green light to take all the value and life lived the day before and carry it into tomorrow. Which sounds easy enough right? But then again on paper so does climbing Mount Everest or running a marathon. All my loved ones who told me to keep on moving and to keep my head up high weren’t seeing or feeling the things I was feeling. But Eddie Pinero knew and I took in the points he made.
This month had me reflect on my losses but also the lessons I have learned. I reflected and prayed on the challenges that were thrown my way. How could something be painful and transformative? How could something break me and be good for me? Our darkest moments feel like endings perhaps because we’re hanging on to what was. The ideas that felt like home. But in actuality, those moments and those goodbyes are the beginning of something new.
I looked back on all the hardest parts of 24, and when I said goodbye to these parts, my heart declared war on my mind. Because my old friends, other half, and memories not being there didn’t make sense. Because when you care, you fight for those things, because goodbyes signify change. I liked this chapter. But my brain fired right back. Right idea, wrong time. What’s the reality of that situation? Letting go can be the hardest thing but the best thing.
The empty spots in my heart that used to be occupied. Though it’s empty the heart asks us how we feel. The door opens and the brain is more matter of fact and says, “Hey time to move. You have things to build and places to build. You can’t let the organ that pumps the blood get in the way of what really matters here. Lace up your shoes and open the door and make a name. Go be that girl.”
Eddie Pinero threw out you get what you focus on. Focus on the reality, the analytics. Data doesn’t lie but your heart does. The truth is that the heart hurts because change hurts. But that doesn’t mean I’ve lost more than I’ve gained. It doesn’t mean yesterdays memories won’t impact the minutes of tomorrow. Last post I made I wrote that I questioned if anything I do ever matters. And now I know the time spent doesn’t become meaningless. In those moments of finishing this 10K by myself, I saw it. My heart saw what was no longer there and my brain let me see what comes next. These peak experiences – running a race, watching movies or concerts, traveling on trips, they don’t last forever but they don’t just go away. They make a home in the soul. It’s like a candle that helps light the way forward. The moments I found myself in the dark, I reached down and pulled these out. No one ever makes it on their own. Everyone who has helped light my heart back up – my family and childhood friends, CFC friends, The Cruz’s/Allarey’s, Theresa, Emma, Whitney, my D&B people, Nicole — I do what I do and try everyday because of you.
I abhorred the calmness of the race. Do you know what it’s like to have to keep pushing when no ones there or when you feel like you’re last place? Let’s not mention the police car that was driving behind me from mile 4-6. But it was a treat to hear myself think and find clarity. The heart and the head can fight all they want. I was forced to look around and realize what I could become as I start the next journey. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. And sometimes it takes a goodbye to remind us. So October (plus the team in my life,) thank you for the memories and for the food, thank you for bringing me to what’s meant to be. Thank you for showing me my story isn’t done, that the heart might be emptied but it’s filled right back up with what it needs, that there is a life out there and my loved ones are waiting for me to live it. ATL & NYC #16, see you in a minute.
Jamie Vergara 